Today is the day. Well tomorrow, but since you are reading this today (Monday) we are going to go with today.
Today is the day.
It's the day I have been dreading since before little Grace was born - it's time to go back to work.
Conflicted. I think that's the best word to describe how I feel. Oh and guilty - go ahead add that to the list of descriptors. *loud sigh*
Going into this I knew that I was not cut out to be a stay at home and to be honest, I still know this about me. I am not meant to be a stay at home mom. Does that mean I don't want to stay home with little bit? No, I don't know! This is a bizarre conflicted feeling. I want a career, I want adult conversation that isn't about the best way to get your baby to burp, I want sit with Gracie while she drinks her brunch bottle and then listen to her giggle when I make funny noises, I want to put her down for her afternoon nap.
The thing is.
I can't have both.
BUT I WANT BOTH!
I can't have my career in the field that I am and be a stay at home mom too. The frustration is real.
As I sit here writing this I am starting to wonder what I am going to wear tomorrow. Another stressor to add to this whole situation. That scares me almost as much as dropping Gracie off at daycare. I still have ten more pounds to lose before I am in my pre-baby weight. So my work slacks don't fit, almost every skirt won't even zip. Thank god for spankx. I have always been very, very self conscious about my weight - for some reason I feel like everyone expects me to be back to pre-baby self by the time I show up Monday. Ugh. Oh well. All I can do is to keep working off the weight. Every pound was worth it. Every single one. I would have gained 50 more if it meant having her.
But can we get back to my descriptors. GUILT.
I know that no one will be able to take care of Grace the way that I do. Will they jump up when she starts to cry? Will they hold her closely, let her rest her head on their shoulder and fall asleep? Will they swaddle her just right the way I do? Will they know which paci to give her - the soothie or the Dr. Brown? Will they know that her wobbly sounding cry means she hungry? Will they know her scream cry means she needs a diaper changed? Will they change her onesie when she gets spit up all over it?
The answer is no.
They won't know how to calm her quickly like I do. They won't be able to turn her frown upside down like I can. They can't make the same noises I make that make her go from an all out tantrum to giggles and laughter. They won't snuggle her the way she likes to be snuggled with me.
There is just so much they won't do that I do.
Then I think what about when she starts to prefer them over me. What about when they see her walk before me or when she says her first words before me or when she starts to get serious about playing with toys.
There is so much I am going to miss!
The tears are now flowing.
I keep hearing in my head,"Ash, you are doing the right thing. YOU KNOW you don't want to be a stay at home mom and while a part of you is screaming that REALLY YOU DO want that - deep down you know you couldn't hack it. You need to work, you need fulfillment from other places as well. You need to show Gracie how to be a strong woman in a man's world. You need to show Gracie that you can support yourself. You need to be able to save money so that you can actually retire one day. You need to be able to throw money in the pot so that you and the family can have real, wonderful vacations."
So off to work I go.
I have been told it gets easier. I know that children that go to daycare have a much easier transition to school, they are a lot more social, their immune system is stronger because they are exposed to more.
This is the suckiest, most awesome day at the same time. I am so glad to be back at work but I am so sad to leave my peanut.
Someone please tell me it gets easier because right now, it feels like I am leaving my heart and soul behind in a land called daycare for 9 hours a day.